Thursday, May 2, 2013

Your Mother's a Whore

I have a good friend and he and I never cease to find the hilarity in the "Your mother's a whore" jokes and all derivatives.
That's not what your mother said last night.
This salsa is really good, like your mom's box.
This pasta bake is all dried out. Like your mom.
And on and on ad nauseum and forever.

But I have discovered the kryptonite of the middle-aged dude. Simply replace "your mom" with "your daughter" and he goes ape-shit, fantastically, bitch cakes.

This salsa is really good. Like your daughter's box.
"Oh my GAWD! What is WRONG with you? She is 13 years old! She still sleeps with her Care Bear for chissakes!"
Yeah, but that Care Bear is no longer just her platonic friend.

Great example:
New Year's Eve I was partying with some new-ish friends and this woman pulled out her gawdam iPhone and forced me to look at gawdam pictures of her gawdam college-age daughters. Two tall, leggy blondes clad scantily with their arms around each other. I drunkenly slurred I wanna fuck her and I wanna fuck her  as I pointed to each girl individually. (Yeah, when 40-something married women are drinking heavily our sexuality becomes as blurry and slurred as our vision and our speech. You know, respectively)
This new-ish friend recoiled in horror (but I think a tad bit of pride as well) and another friend (longer standing) who had overheard my musings screamed at me "Those girls are 20 years old!" To which I feigned sheepishness and stated Sorry. <beat> I wanna go down on her and I wanna go down on her.

So I misspoke before. This shock parade works not only on the dudes but on the ladies as well.
Oh, and I never saw that new-ish friend again. So I win.

I'm So Happy Right Now

Health and Wellness Wednesday

I'm so happy right now. This is a phrase I've found myself repeating dozens of times in the last 2 weeks. Granted, Hubby and I were in London and Paris, so that may account for some of the bliss I was experiencing. Some examples of I'm so happy right now:

Drinking champagne in the first class cabin on the way to London
Watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace
Eating Indian street food while watching the London Eye on a sunny Saturday
Drinking wine in Paris
Shopping in Paris
Stopping by our favorite bar for a drink on the way home from the airport
Sleeping in my own bed after being in London and Paris
Realizing that my DVR not only has two episodes of The Americans but that all I have to do is stay up until 10 pm and I can see the season finale!

I'm so happy right now.