I have a good friend and he and I never cease to find the hilarity in the "Your mother's a whore" jokes and all derivatives.
That's not what your mother said last night.
This salsa is really good, like your mom's box.
This pasta bake is all dried out. Like your mom.
And on and on ad nauseum and forever.
But I have discovered the kryptonite of the middle-aged dude. Simply replace "your mom" with "your daughter" and he goes ape-shit, fantastically, bitch cakes.
This salsa is really good. Like your daughter's box.
"Oh my GAWD! What is WRONG with you? She is 13 years old! She still sleeps with her Care Bear for chissakes!"
Yeah, but that Care Bear is no longer just her platonic friend.
Great example:
New Year's Eve I was partying with some new-ish friends and this woman pulled out her gawdam iPhone and forced me to look at gawdam pictures of her gawdam college-age daughters. Two tall, leggy blondes clad scantily with their arms around each other. I drunkenly slurred I wanna fuck her and I wanna fuck her as I pointed to each girl individually. (Yeah, when 40-something married women are drinking heavily our sexuality becomes as blurry and slurred as our vision and our speech. You know, respectively)
This new-ish friend recoiled in horror (but I think a tad bit of pride as well) and another friend (longer standing) who had overheard my musings screamed at me "Those girls are 20 years old!" To which I feigned sheepishness and stated Sorry. <beat> I wanna go down on her and I wanna go down on her.
So I misspoke before. This shock parade works not only on the dudes but on the ladies as well.
Oh, and I never saw that new-ish friend again. So I win.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I'm So Happy Right Now
Health and Wellness Wednesday
I'm so happy right now. This is a phrase I've found myself repeating dozens of times in the last 2 weeks. Granted, Hubby and I were in London and Paris, so that may account for some of the bliss I was experiencing. Some examples of I'm so happy right now:
Drinking champagne in the first class cabin on the way to London
Watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace
Eating Indian street food while watching the London Eye on a sunny Saturday
Drinking wine in Paris
Shopping in Paris
Stopping by our favorite bar for a drink on the way home from the airport
Sleeping in my own bed after being in London and Paris
Realizing that my DVR not only has two episodes of The Americans but that all I have to do is stay up until 10 pm and I can see the season finale!
I'm so happy right now.
I'm so happy right now. This is a phrase I've found myself repeating dozens of times in the last 2 weeks. Granted, Hubby and I were in London and Paris, so that may account for some of the bliss I was experiencing. Some examples of I'm so happy right now:
Drinking champagne in the first class cabin on the way to London
Watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace
Eating Indian street food while watching the London Eye on a sunny Saturday
Drinking wine in Paris
Shopping in Paris
Stopping by our favorite bar for a drink on the way home from the airport
Sleeping in my own bed after being in London and Paris
Realizing that my DVR not only has two episodes of The Americans but that all I have to do is stay up until 10 pm and I can see the season finale!
I'm so happy right now.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
This is the Color of My Skin
The Woman I Want to Be Tuesday
Ok, America and the beauty industry and the celebrities and my friends under 30, I have something to say to you. This is the color of my skin. My face? Yeah, this is the color it is. My legs? This is the color of my legs. When Annette Bening's character in The Women was asked by a pushy salesgirl if she might be interested in a "face lift in a bottle" she retorted (to my utter delight) "This is my face. Deal with it."
Stop telling me I need "glow." Stop telling me I "need some color." I have color. This is it. I do not need more or less or anything else. Do you tell Taylor Swift that she needs to darken? Do you tell Eva Mendes that she needs to lighten?
Rant over.
Ok, America and the beauty industry and the celebrities and my friends under 30, I have something to say to you. This is the color of my skin. My face? Yeah, this is the color it is. My legs? This is the color of my legs. When Annette Bening's character in The Women was asked by a pushy salesgirl if she might be interested in a "face lift in a bottle" she retorted (to my utter delight) "This is my face. Deal with it."
Stop telling me I need "glow." Stop telling me I "need some color." I have color. This is it. I do not need more or less or anything else. Do you tell Taylor Swift that she needs to darken? Do you tell Eva Mendes that she needs to lighten?
Rant over.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Contentment is a Choice
Marriage and Relationship Monday
I was reading Leo Babauta's post on contentment and it made me think of myself and my friends. This past weekend, my friend spent a good half-hour bitching to me about how she and her hubby are "hemorrhaging money." After listening to her I finally asked the question. "How much money does your hubby bring home every month?" She said over $10,000. I gulped and she immediately rushed to say, "But our mortgage payment is over $3k!" To which I pointed out that $3k is 30% of his take-home pay and right on track with what money pros say should be spent on housing. She and I did the very quick math and realized that she has over $1000 every week to spend after all the bills and the necessities have been paid for. One thousand dollars. $1k. Ten C notes. Every week. But she wouldn't shut up about how it's not enough.
Dear Reader,
Could you be content with $1,000 a week after your bills are paid? Why can't my friend? How much more does she want? What dollar amount will make her happy? The answers are, this is a person who will never be content or happy with what she has. Leo said it really well. Being content with where you are doesn't mean you have no ambition. And having ambition doesn't guarantee contentment.
So I choose. I choose to be content every day. To be content with the size of my body doesn't mean I don't wish to change it. To be content with my income doesn't mean I have no ambition to earn more money. To be content in my marriage doesn't mean I'm unwilling to work to keep the spark (or to reignite if necessary). I choose to count the blessings rather than the pitfalls. To be content rather than a malcontent.
What do you choose?
I was reading Leo Babauta's post on contentment and it made me think of myself and my friends. This past weekend, my friend spent a good half-hour bitching to me about how she and her hubby are "hemorrhaging money." After listening to her I finally asked the question. "How much money does your hubby bring home every month?" She said over $10,000. I gulped and she immediately rushed to say, "But our mortgage payment is over $3k!" To which I pointed out that $3k is 30% of his take-home pay and right on track with what money pros say should be spent on housing. She and I did the very quick math and realized that she has over $1000 every week to spend after all the bills and the necessities have been paid for. One thousand dollars. $1k. Ten C notes. Every week. But she wouldn't shut up about how it's not enough.
Dear Reader,
Could you be content with $1,000 a week after your bills are paid? Why can't my friend? How much more does she want? What dollar amount will make her happy? The answers are, this is a person who will never be content or happy with what she has. Leo said it really well. Being content with where you are doesn't mean you have no ambition. And having ambition doesn't guarantee contentment.
So I choose. I choose to be content every day. To be content with the size of my body doesn't mean I don't wish to change it. To be content with my income doesn't mean I have no ambition to earn more money. To be content in my marriage doesn't mean I'm unwilling to work to keep the spark (or to reignite if necessary). I choose to count the blessings rather than the pitfalls. To be content rather than a malcontent.
What do you choose?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)